…But you have no idea…This is a feature on me. And my work at Flagrant Mag and OffBall. Thank you to queen Niki Iyer at Across The Line, a brilliant up-and-coming sports media publication, for making such a stink about little old me.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: WNBA All-Star!!!! This weekend, I’ll be in Chicago (you legally have to say hi if you are, too), and I’ll be covering every single thing I see. Get ready to get very sick of me, in which case you can just go to WNBA’s social channels, because someone much cooler than me will be wo-manning those. Flau’jae Johnson. Speaking of the Storm, here’s this, too. 

Last weekend, Teremana Tequila, along with Laura Rutledge and Jay Pharaoh, broke the Guinness World Record for the World’s Longest Foosball Table, and I’m pretty mad I wasn’t there to be a part of it. Hey, Rock, please call me next time your tequila is setting a world record. 

If you love our pesky kid brother newsletter, SportsVerse, you’ll love the latest from Dan. It’s all about how and why Adidas was the winner-winner-chicken-dinner of this World Cup. The sportswear brand generated $1.7 billion (with a B!!!!!!) during the tournament. And they said they’ll give me half of it! 

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m scared…They’re doing h*rny Pinterest boards of Jude Bellingham. Daily reminder to go outside, everyone!  

“Go Off” is a special edition of our daily newsletter, featuring my thoughts, takes, and general vibes, presented to OffBall readers every Wednesday.

I was listening to Ludwig Göransson’s score of “The Odyssey" today except for the few minutes when I switched to Johnny Cash’s “You Are My Sunshine” because I knew I had to write about the possible departure of my beloved Portland Trail Blazers.

To the city with the third most days of rain/snow per year (163 — after Rochester, NY and Buffalo, NY, suck on that Seattle), the Portland Trail Blazers are often its only sunshine. And now, because the team’s new owner, Tom Dundon, and the city of Portland can’t come to an agreement about who will fund the arena’s renovations, Portland’s fans feel the temperature dropping and their sky darkening. 

A team source told The Athletic’s Jason Quick the two parties are “very far apart” on an agreement. I won’t get into the term sheet (which is actually a good deal for the ownership group) or any of that boring stuff. 

When Dundon bought the Blazers, I felt excited. I had a sunny perspective about it all.  Here we had an ownership group that owns a team that has won championships (the NHL’s Carolina Hurricanes). They were going to save the Blazers from this lifelong purgatory we’ve found ourselves in since, I don’t know, 1978. They have aura. They’ll lead us to the promised land. 

Like Agamemnon in “The Odyssey.” 

But it’s starting to feel a bit more like a Trojan horse situation for some. 

But it certainly wouldn’t be very “Zeus’ Law” to come into a city and take their team away from them. 

I don’t mean to be dramatic here, but Portland bleeds Blazers. I’ve lived in several cities and I’m confident in saying Portland has some of the most impassioned and loyal fans there are. 

Blazers fans haven’t had a ton to cheer about in recent years, or in years that aren’t recent, to be frank, but that hasn’t stopped them from showing up (last year they averaged 17,533 fans per game even without Damian Lillard). Portland’s NWSL team, the Thorns, regularly sees up to 20,000 fans each game. The MLS team, the Timbers, averages 22,000. 

Portland shows consistently that they deserve the Trail Blazers, and now they’re taking to social media to share memories and remind each other, and the new ownership group (and maybe even themselves) of that fact. 

This isn’t really a spoiler (because the book came out 100,000 years ago) so if I can bring us back to ‘The Odyssey’ again, the Trail Blazers leaving sounds a bit like the Song of the Sirens. 

In that scene, Matt Damon, a.k.a. Odysseus (or Brad Pitt), is screaming and squirming while lashed to the mast of the ship, and over a beautiful score by Ludwig Göransson, he gives a heartbreaking monologue. In describing  the song, he says that it’s like “everything you’ve ever wanted was already yours and you can never get it back.” 

At this point, it seems all Portland can hope for is that they have something the city of Troy didn’t have: a commissioner who can put an end to this feud and force a deal.

But if he can’t, or won’t, for those millions of fans, losing the Portland Trail Blazers will feel like everything they’ve ever wanted was theirs, and they can never get it back. I just hope someone’s lashed me to a mast when it happens. 

It’s been a long time since we checked in on the NFL properly, let’s go s– wait, what’s that? Aaron Donald might come out of retirement and join an already stacked LA Rams defense (which already features Myles Garrett)? 

For the non-Rams fans in the chat, this is not good news (especially if you identify as a member of the AFC West). Thankfully, that isn’t me, but I imagine we will all feel the wrath of this return if it happens. 

Donald was spotted working out at the Rams facility, and the TikTok editors got to work immediately.

Ultimately, as long as his return doesn’t distract from he and wife Erica’s couple content, I support it.